Fifty Shades of Pain
Pain, Bliss and What We Actually Mean by “Masochism”
I often hear people tell me that they are masochistic and that I should prepare to give them a lot of pain. Quite often, however, I later discover that what they are actually responding to is not pain itself, but the “bliss high” that can arise from intense sensation. Pain destroys their experience.
Masochists do exist—but in my experience, they are relatively rare. According to the ICD-11 (International Classification of Diseases, World Health Organization), masochism refers to a persistent pattern of sexual arousal that is specifically linked to experiencing pain, humiliation, or suffering. The key point here is that the enjoyment is tied to the pain itself, not to what pain may transform into.
People who genuinely enjoy pain in its raw form often dislike that blissful state, because it prevents them from staying in hurt. They want pain without alchemy: no softening, no transformation, no drifting—just sensation that hurts. Bliss distroys their experience.
These are two very different intentions for a session, and recognising the difference matters. Confusing them can lead to misunderstandings, frustration or unsafe assumptions on both sides.
Pain Is Not a Simple Scale
When I am intentionally testing someone’s comfort zone with intensity, I will inevitably deliver strikes that go beyond it. Sometimes I have the clear sense that I have triggered an “orange” response, yet receive no immediate feedback. When I ask explicitly, the answer is sometimes: “Oh yes, that was definitely orange.” In the past, that used to make me briefly (and inwardly) furious. Why didn’t you say so? I asked you to tell me! Then I realised that beyond my fury lay the assumption that pain or intensity is always easy to recognise, label, and communicate in real time. It isn’t.
Pain perception is a highly complex process. The strikes, the sensations happen fast. The nervous system is processing threat, safety, memory, expectation, and chemistry all at once. In those moments, receivers are sometimes genuinely unable to accurately name or communicate their level of sensation. This is not a freeze response—that is a different phenomenon altogether—but rather a limitation of perception and language under load.
This is why it is never safe to assume that just because we thoroughly discussed safewords, traffic light systems, or other brakes, they will always be used “correctly” in the moment. Communication is crucial—but so is shared responsibility. As tops, we cannot outsource all responsibility to the system.
Injury and Pain Are Not the Same Thing
Melzack and Wall’s Gate Control Theory of pain (1965) describes injury and pain as separate, only loosely related processes. We learn to associate them during childhood. During consensual impact play, many people gradually unlearn that association and experience intense sensation as pleasure rather than harm.
However, there is always a transitional phase. At first, the body reads impact as potential injury. Even when there is no actual threat to bodily integrity, the nervous system still has to assess danger, activate pain-mitigating neurochemicals (like endorphins), and recalibrate its response—often very quickly.
Given how much is happening at once, it is honestly remarkable when receivers can give precise feedback. Most of the time they do—but relying too heavily on brakes and safewords as a top is a serious mistake. They are tools, not guarantees.
“I’m Not a Sadist” — But What Does That Mean?
I often hear newer impact tops say that they are reluctant to deliver strong pain. Sometimes they add, “I’m just not a sadist.” What I find myself wondering is: How are you deciding that this is too much for the receiver?
Without clear feedback, this judgement is often based on a quiet assumption: I wouldn’t be able to take that. But their body is not your body. Their nervous system is not yours. Acknowledging this difference is essential.
The term sadism is often misunderstood. In psychological literature, sadism refers to deriving pleasure from another person’s suffering or pain. (For example, see the APA Dictionary of Psychology or ICD-11 diagnostic descriptions.) Importantly, this definition focuses on suffering, not intensity.
High intensity does not automatically mean that the receiver is suffering.
I do not consider myself a sadist, yet I have no issue delivering pain-focused sessions. I do not enjoy making someone suffer—but I deeply enjoy offering them the sensations they seek, without judgement. If that sensation is pain, and they enjoy it, that is enough for me. It really can be that simple.
Limits, Empathy and Responsibility
Of course, tops also have limits, and those matter. But very often, the limiting factor is not technical skill or safety—it is overactive empathy. Empathy is valuable, but when it overrides attunement and communication, it can quietly shift a top out of a service-oriented mindset and into projection.
In those moments, the top is no longer responding to what is actually happening in the receiver’s body and nervous system, but to an internal reference point: what I would feel, what would be too much for me, what I imagine this should be like. That projection can look caring on the surface, but it risks missing the receiver’s real experience.
What we can do as tops is test, listen, observe, and carefully calibrate that edge of the comfort zone—again and again. And then we accept whatever that edge turns out to be, without comparison, ego, expectation or projection.
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Further recommended reading:
THE GATE THEORY OF PAIN I: The Multidimensional Experience
THE GATE THEORY OF PAIN II: Early vs. delayed neural reactions
THE GATE THEORY OF PAIN III: Learning and the Brain
THE NEUROCHEMISTRY OF PAIN I: Opioids, Endorphins, Noradrenalin and Others
PAIN AS PLEASURE I: Common Pathways
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Sources:
Melzack, R., & Wall, P. D. (1965). Pain mechanisms: A new theory. Science.
American Psychological Association (APA) Dictionary of Psychology – entries on pain, sadism, and masochism
World Health Organization (2019). ICD-11: Conditions related to sexual health