A Note on Dominance: The Power That Holds

At the end of my last workshop I was asked if I would classify myself as dominant. I immediately said “no” because I think of myself as a space holder during an impact session, not dominant. Dominance can be an add-on if we agree on it during the pre-scene negotiations. That’d be my official answer. I realised on the way home that my “no” was less about truth and more about the narrow box where dominance is usually placed. What I do is still leadership. It just looks and feels different.

Is it possible that I internalised an existing definition of “dominance,” and that soft-leading by “space holding” is excluded because it doesn’t fit the classical style of leading in BDSM?

It’s worth remembering that BDSM comes from the gay leather culture. The normative concepts of dominance (and submission) are largely influenced by traditional ideas of leadership and the understanding of power as a primarily masculine concept (Of course, leadership is not tied to any one gender. People of all identities lead in many ways. My perspective comes from what I see and live as a woman, and I know it is only one piece of a much wider landscape.). Women often have a different idea of what moves people and concepts forward. The women in leadership positions I have worked with or befriended (myself included) lead through networking, listening before deciding, “moving things from the background,” voicing voices, having maternal instincts. In other words, we hold space.

Does it move things forward? Yes. So it is leadership.

But it’s not just my concept. In leadership theories it is referred to as “leading by following”: the notion that a leader pays close attention to what is already emerging in a group, situation or person, and then they support and amplify what could work towards a “higher purpose” within the company (or the intension within a session). This way leaders shape the outcome, rather than forcing it. The paradox is that by “following”, leaders actually create a stronger sense of trust, shared ownership and empower their subordinates, rather than de-power them. This approach has its roots in how children learn by observing their parents in social roles, which then shape-forms their development (see this article for example).

A note on the tantric approach

I find it interesting, by the way, that the concept of “holding space” is associated with the masculine energy in tantra, because to me it very much feels like drawing on my maternal side - how I hold space for my children. Maybe the Jungian concept of masculine / feminin could shed light on this seemingly paradoxical attempts. C. G. Jung proposed that every man carries an inner feminine aspect (the anima) and every woman carries an inner masculine aspect (the animus). Growth means becoming conscious of and integrating both. So in this approach if a man steps into the role of holding space, he is anchoring his masculine, container-like, structuring energies while drawing support from his anima to empathesie and respond with sensitivity. On the other hand when a woman holds space, she draws from her animus to provide stability and leadership, while her feminine keeps the connection alive and intuitive. The strength comes from integration of the personality parts.

Oh yes, the body.

Further adding to this dynamic in impact play, we also get to harvest the benefits of the juicy neurochemicals and blend them into the leadership dynamics. One of the pillars of altered states of consciousness is the shift in agency. Simply put, we like to outsource control in moments of “high”, and this will happen naturally, without imposing any concept of “dominance”. When there is trust and letting go, there is also a natural desire to have someone “take care of me.” or well, to hold space for me. I like to call this dynamic “invited leadership”. I love to work with this dynamic, because it also reveals when my receiver is ready to let go, and what they need in order to feel safe. There is genetics behind this, upbringing, culture, current state of tiredness or hunger, and so on. By ways of initiating contact, giving feedback verbally and non-verbally, receivers are effectively “asking” for a certain leadership style, and through this they are communicating how they want to be held in that moment. As long as it is within my boundaries (and it usually is), I am more than happy to take on that role and be with them in the way they need me to be and exactly when they need me to be there.

Final thoughts

So I don’t and can’t define my “dominant persona” more than through the vague concept of “holding space.” For some people, it means supporting with equal power. Others like to place me in a goddess-like position, which they like to worship. Some people keep verbal communication flowing, others go non-verbal. Some like to be “left alone,” while others need to feel companionship. For most people, it changes throughout the session and they need flexibility in order to feel supported throughout their journey.

But I stand up for one concept:

there is no right or wrong way of leading. 

Just because dominance is traditionally defined in one way, it doesn’t mean there is universal agreement or acceptance. Traditional, modern, masculine, feminine: as long as everyone is safe and things keep moving forward, you can lead however the f.ck you want. It will work.